You Swinge if You Want to

Shadow chancellor George Osborne gave a speech at the British Museum today. The Conservatives have heeded the calls to clarify their economic policies after they toned down their public spending cuts a couple of days ago. David Cameron told the BBC that no ‘swingeing cuts’ [the interviewer’s words] would be made in 2010/11, while Osborne had promised early cuts. Really this was just a bad choice of phrase in an interview, with others deciding to soup it up to the level of a Conservative crisis. That doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun with it though. Certainly something Osborne said the other day is worth picking up on.

Appearing on the BBC's Andrew Marr Show, shadow chancellor George Osborne said "early action" was needed on the deficit to avoid a "Greek-style budget crisis".

He insisted that it would be a "mistake" to wait until next year to begin tackling the "albatross of debt", as the government was planning to do [1].h
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George and the Albatross of Debt

George was a confident, hardworking little boy. He edited and contributed to the school magazine Nigella, named after the Ancient Egyptian domestic goddess. Despite this talent for writing and his outward contentment, he was always looking up to David Cameraman, or Dave the big C for short.

One day George was walking back to the station following his after-school pedestrian practice when he saw an enormous bird perched on a garden wall. This bird did something rather strange upon seeing George; it spoke to him.

‘George. I am the Albatross of Debt, and I bring you…’
‘Wait!’ Said George excitedly, ‘did you just say the Albatross of Debt? Don’t you mean death?’
The albatross let its wings drop to the floor, slapping the pavement with claps of despair. ‘Look child, if I had meant death I would have said death. But I did not. I’m the physical realization of a metaphor for the nation’s economy.’
‘You just look like an albatross. Where’s the debt?’
‘And just what does debt look like exactly?’
George shrugged, he neither knew nor cared; Blue Peter was on in 20 minutes.
‘You can’t see debt because it’s precisely the thing you don’t have, it’s what you owe.’
‘Couldn’t you be like a newspaper cartoon and have a sash with ‘debt’ written on it or something?’
‘Ah, the sash.’ The Albatross thought for a moment. ‘Well, it blew off me when I was flying in. Landed on a guide dog, so now there’s a guide dog of debt walking around too.’
‘Ok. Nice to meet you.’

With the seabird calling after him George hurried off down a back alley, the likes of which he had never seen before (living—as he did—in a house, a very big house in the country). At least the albatross, with its wingspan of 3-3.5 metres, couldn’t follow him too closely now. ‘Oh I wish David Cameraman were here’ George thought to himself. He started; up ahead in the shadows he could see someone in a hoody and tracky b’s (as the stable boy called them). George slowed. He couldn’t go back, and the person was coming towards him now, hands in pockets—well, George hoped they were pockets; they looked closer in than pockets usually are.

‘Aite.’ The voice was familiar to George.
'Dave Cameraman!'
'Give us a hug, blud.'
‘Dave we can’t go on like this…there’s a talking albatross following me.’
David thought to himself for a moment, ‘ah that’s well easy, just cut off its deficit.’
‘Come here and try it you little twat.’ The albatross twittered from above.
‘That’s a deeply offensive word in some parts!’ George rightly pointed out.
‘Is it?’ David looked thoughtful. ‘Don’t you talk to me like that then. I’ll have you know all that rugby put hairs on my chest.’

It turned out that David’s upturned hood was remarkably good at catching a full load of albatross droppings, and so he ran off home to get changed. Suddenly disenchanted with his idol, George decided to sort things out for himself. He looked up at the seabird.

‘Albatross! From the ashes of the debt boom we will build a saving society. I defeat you with a new economic model for growth, with eight benchmarks:

• To cut the deficit more quickly to safeguard Britain's credit rating.
• To create a more balanced economy.
• To get Britain working.
• To make sure that Britain is open for business.
• To ensure that the whole country shares in rising prosperity.
• To reform public services to deliver better value for money.
• To create a safer banking system that serves the needs of the economy.

We see higher emissions than 1997 - and Britain has just 5% of the global market for green goods and services. So our eighth benchmark is to turn both of these things around. [Britain has just 5% of the global market for green goods and services - and we see higher emissions than 1997?]

These are the Benchmarks for Britain. Judge us by these benchmarks. Hold us to account. We will be accountable [2].

The albatross stared down at George, ‘From the ashes of the debt boom we will build a saving society?’ It appeared to be thinking this over for a moment or so before continuing. ‘Are you trying to say that a phoenix is going to rise from the ashes of an albatross?’

‘Oh shut up’ said George. ‘I’m going home to proof read that.’

Ah nightmares, this thing could run on and on if we let it. Free enterprise is looking noble again it seems—less taxation and stuffy regulation of people that would make us richer if only we let them. We should encourage an innovation nation, support rather than strangle our businesses and welcome foreign investors instead of driving them elsewhere to cheaper lands. Bettering that we could all go into business ourselves. If we all aspire the country will get richer as a result of all our individual successes. Mind you, if absolutely everybody aspired to that Alan Sugary dream there wouldn’t be anybody to serve us at the till when we tried to spend our new wealth. Hooray for employees I say, and I hope George Osborne thinks like that too.

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[1] ‘No swingeing cuts in first year, says David Cameron’, BBC, <http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8490024.stm> 31^st January 2010

[2] George Osborne, ‘A New Economic Model’, Conservatives, <http://www.conservatives.com/News/Speeches/2010/02/George_Osborne_A_New_Economic_Model.aspx> 2^nd February 2010