Watch out, David!

'Irish Cow' - billfromesm on Flickr

In May this year I went to the Banqueting House in Whitehall, the place where Charles I was beheaded in 1649. It’s really worth a visit, especially to see the set of nine large paintings by Rubens that were incorporated into the room’s ceiling back in 1635. They are rather impressive; even Cromwell didn’t have the heart to take them down during his Protectorate, despite the depiction of the glorification of James I (also James II of Scotland) in the central canvas. That’s how Charles—who commissioned the paintings—wanted to depict his father, though having seen the position of his throne within the room he must have got a stiff neck trying to get a look at them. As I left the building I was confronted by David Dimbleby, or rather I was confronted with him and had to decide whether to say ‘hello,’ do an impression of Gore Vidal or pass by. I settled on passing by, and as he was in conversation with someone I didn’t even manage to make eye contact or raise a smile.

Sometimes I have wondered whether I should have gone up and spoken to him instead, and today I finally decided that I should have. I am now feeling rather guilty. You see if I had spoken to Mr Dimbleby, generating one topic of conversation or another, it might have stayed in his mind for a day or so. This in turn could well have altered a few aspects of his daily life ever so slightly, like informing the odd turn of phrase he might adopt, or even the occasional decision: what book to read, what TV station to choose, who to vote for on Strictly Come Dancing. Supposing my brief exchange with him had caused these slight changes—we can easily imagine the resulting indirect chain of subtle alternatives in his life that would have occurred over the summer and up to now. Thus I have to ask myself: could I, by having a brief exchange of thoughts with David Dimbleby, have prevented him being struck down by a rearing bullock?

It’s a terrible burden on my conscience; the incident has broken Mr Dimbleby’s hitherto-uninterrupted fifteen years of Question Time presenting. Though one good thing did come out of that; John Humphrys (A BBC Nine O’clock News-reader back in the day, or back in the 1980s) finally got back on TV for a night. Mr Humphrys’s engagement with the political world has been increasingly radio-based in recent years. Hopefully chairing last night’s Question Time cheered him up a bit, as he had begun to appear rather resigned to his radio work. I remember him talking to Dame Edna Everage on Radio Four earlier in the year, submissively describing himself as having a ‘face for radio.’ This is nonsense; his face was perfectly acceptable for television last night. If anything he has a voice for twitter.

Of course, back in June David Blunkett was charged by a cow. Now I’ve never met David Blunkett, not even nearly, so I have no culpability there. However, the incident does make me wonder if our celebrity Davids should be wary of these beasts. It can’t be a coincidence that it was both a David and a man that these bovines went for on both occasions. If I was a man, well known, and called David I’d be nervous now. Think about it:

1. David B-for-Blunkett
Miss out C
2. David D-for-Dimbleby
Miss out E
3. David F-for-Frost

A bullock-pinioned Sir David Frost would continue the politics/political presenter theme these beasts seem to be going for. Watch out, David! That’s my advice, and I can only pray that it is heeded. Heaven knows what the makers of Frost/Nixon would do otherwise. Would there even be a market for Frost/Daisy Moo Cow? They could possibly get Michael Sheen to reprise his role as Frost. Perhaps John Hurt would have the skill to create a cow compelling enough to co-star.

Ultimately I think it would take an uneconomic amount of artistic license to pull off a cinematic cow attack on Sir David Frost that could really engage the contemporary moviegoer; Frost isn’t all that sellable to Hollywood when he’s out of the interviewer’s chair. Maybe if the cow had some connection with the American presidency it might have a chance. That way the filmmakers could have Frost push the cow into divulging some of this information in a seated interview environment. The attack would eventually come when the fraught animal is no longer able to cope with Frost’s incessant, hard hitting and yet terribly nice questions.

Intrigue upon intrigue, the next in line for Bull-hit would be: (Miss out G) 4. David H-for-Hasselhoff.